This is the record that answers the question no-one was asking: if Barbara Dickson and Elaine Paige were lesbian twin sisters from Canada, what would they sound like? The answer to that query is: more wonderful than any of us deserve. Here is I Was a Fool – by far the best single of 2013, from the very best album of 2013, Heartthrob.

 
Now, some songs are clearly designed to be listened to while standing staring out of a window while rain beats down it, and I Was a Fool is a classic of that genre – bursting at the seams with regret and longing, and liable to make you cry if you’re feeling a bit fragile. But the great thing about it is it reaches a turning point at the bridge and things suddenly don’t seem as bad. The sun’s come out, there’s no more raindrops on that window – now you can go out and rebuild your life, or at least get a coffee.

Basically, this is an entire bad relationship condensed into three and a half minutes, so if you think about it, you could save yourself an awful lot of time and stress by listening to this instead of enduring one. It’s so good it could have been written by Björn Ulvaeus and Benny Andersson, and there’s really no higher compliment I can pay it.

Oh, Tegan and Sara. You are mid-town, mid-tempo women and we are down-town, deadbeat guys. I’d like to apologise on behalf of music lovers and Warner executives everywhere for not making this a global hit.

Entered chart: did not chart

Who could sing this today and have a hit? I’m not sure about today but if someone has a time machine set to 1985 I know a couple of ladies who’d jump at the chance.

Published by Niall McMurray

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